Airport Security

I can't think of a stand up comedian who has yet to turn to the time honored tradition (I am following the strain of commentary regarding tradition due to the recently passed festivity of Thanksgiving) of making witty comments as to the process of airport security. It is a nuisance few, except the cavity check fanatics (see, even I can make an airport security joke), would go through if not to ensure their ultimate safety.

Today I had my first run-in with these bastions of aeronautical invulnerability and fastidiousness: I had to have my bagged check. First, the person who checked my bags was a guy in his mid 40s. I was fine with this as long as when the cavity check came it would be performed by the attractive 21 year old woman working security (they exist!). I almost made the last comment out loud, but figured I would be best off not tempting the great fates as I had already been pulled to the side.

The man begins to unload my clothes, and I, being the upstanding citizen that I am, remembered that I had packed a tubular shaped um... tube... of toothpaste that was above the maximum of 3.4 ounces, which quickly I informed my own personal laundry airer of. He gave me a sideways glance and said "That is not what I am looking for, but thank you."

If someone said that to you, and you honestly believed that you had committed no harm, you would crack a joke too, right? In my infinite wisdom, I thought it would be appropriate. My retort was along the vein of "I don't think there is anything sharp, flammable, or explosive in there, but hey, I didn't pack my bags. I need to thank that Osama for that." Ever heard the Biblical verse warning of wasting your seed before swine? Yea... I was drowning the swine in seed. He looked at my sideways, unimpressed with my quick moving wit, and muttered "cute" and began to pull my underwear out of my bag. Here is where the 21-year-old-hot-chick-who-should-be-working-as-a-cocktail-waitress (this is Reno after all) gets called onto the scene (Maybe a comic book would fit the situation: "The Fantastic Adventures of Rectral Intrusion Girl"). She gets the pleasure of sorting through my underwear. I think the security guard thought he was funny as well. No more jokes...

The passed my bag through the x-ray machine two extra times, for a total of three, and asked me "Sir, are you aware of any small metallic objects in your bag? Perhaps three inches long?" Having been stunned to silence be securities attempt at humor, I was honest and said no.

One more check in the bag brought about the culprit: he pulled back the bottom flap (apparently I have a false bottom in my bag I was unaware of) and pulled out a BOXCUTTER.

Ever not had any air in your body? Imagine having the wind knocked out of you without ever receiving the punch, and you are beginning to get where I was at. I answered a slew of questions, and the one that cleared me of any criminal intent (barring negligence) was "What do you do for a living?"

When you have been discovered in an airport with a boxcutter in a post September 11 world, how would you phrase your response? I am a law student. I am a recent college grad and you know how bad the economy is (that would likely be the worst choice). Thank God I had a real excuse: I used to work at Long's drugstore and must have dropped it in there. Now, if I had a timeline of my life before me as I spoke that sentence I may have been writing this as my explanation on a nice yellow legal pad rather than into my blog. I haven't worked at longs for 5 years.

So, how did the boxcutter get into my bag? I am not sure... but you can bet the bottom dollar that tomorrow (I couldn't help it once I started) I will not be thanking Osama.

Second, I flew out of Oakland Airport. HOW DID THEY MISS THIS?! It is their job to stop boxcutters, employed by the 9/11 hijackers, from getting onto the flight. I could have hijacked a plane and I didn't even know it. Good thing for them I didn't... And, you know, I have morals, a bright future, and a desire not to hurt others.

Oh, and on a final note, the toothpaste I thought I would lose? They let me keep it. Why? Because I was honest about having it. So, now we have a tip for those attempting to sneak something through in a toothpaste container: be honest that it is there, and you shall be allowed to leave with it. Seems like a good plan to me.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and has an even better holiday season. In you traverse the globe to whatever your destinations might be, remember to check the false bottom you didn't know you owned for boxcutters you didn't know were in your bag. If not, it could be a minor 30 minute inconvenience.